Oh the whining!  It may not be one of the biggest challenges we face as parents, but whining can definitely be one of the most annoying!  Here are some tips to turn whining around, shift your kids’ chronic complaining, and even have some fun with it all!

When kids are whining, it’s not just about the cookie, the time with friends, the broken toy or even the get-it-all, want-it-all attitudes that seem to be sprouting from our kids in any given moment.  Remember, our kids DO have times that they ARE flexible – times when they can accept a “no,” or move on to another thing, or even let us go while they stay with the sitter without crying.  What makes those times okay when at other times they lose it or start a whining campaign?

Usually, whining is a signal that a child has become disconnected from you, or from their caregiver, or has some big feelings brewing that they DO NOT want to feel. Instead of feeling the pain of whatever the real problem might be, our ingenious kids will attach their desperation to an object or goal that might help soothe the troubled mind. Kids really do just want to feel better, but their brains are still undeveloped, so often they cannot remember to ask for what they need, or that they are powerful enough to think of a solution that will work.  They don’t have the brain development that allows them to remember cause and effect (if they whine, we will be angry, they will not get what they want).  All they can do is blurt out about whatever is in front of them, or desperately cling to something that will make them forget.

The problem with this approach however, even if you solve their dilemma, is that the roots of the disconnection don’t get addressed. So even if we do give in, and get them a new, unbroken cookie, or give them 5 more minutes, we often get the same result a little later, and then get angry about it, citing our previous generosity as a reason for the kids to just be quiet and respectful already!!

When we look at whining as a signal of disconnection, we can begin to offer the REAL solution – the goods that will help our children stop their whining, release unwanted emotions, and move on with confidence – connection with US!  Here are some ways you can connect in the face of whining to turn it around.

#1 – DON’T reason with a whiner! There is no amount of haggling, reasoning, or explaining that will re-connect a child’s brain.  The reasoning center of a child’s brain is usually mostly inoperative by the time the child has become inflexible or complaining.  So if your inclination is to explain or talk the child into compliance, all you’re really doing is pushing that yucky feeling back into the child’s nervous system memory, where it will return later to haunt you just the same.

#2 DON’T mock the whiner.  A child who’s mocked only feels worse, even if it seems funny to you, and even if they laugh a little at the mocking.  That laughter is usually a fear release – often when kids don’t know what to do with someone else’s behavior they laugh.  Mocking the whining actually teaches children that they will be less safe with you, that their feelings are not really okay, and can lead to a mistrust that will have them not communicating with you later.

#3 DON’T solve the problem!  What?  We are so good at solving the problem, but usually, the bad mood will creep back in moments later.  What the child really needs is connection with you, so let’s look at how to make the connection rather than band-aid the feelings.

What CAN we do then?

#1 Take a deep breath and re-frame… Whining children are not trying to manipulate us, even though it feels that way.  They are sending us a signal that they need us!  They feel powerless, or alone, and they need a connection.  Start with looking right at your child, as warmly as you can, and giving him your full attention.  If the request is reasonable, you can try filling it once, but most likely, some big need or yucky feeling will come right back, so be prepared with a few more tips from below.

#2 Start with a whine of your own! If the child is desperate for an ice cream, turn to them, without mocking, and say something like “well, I want a bite of your nose!” Then gently move in close and try for a nuzzle.  Your child may push you away, but they’ll probably be so surprised that they’ll at least crack a smile. You become the ice cream they were looking for to make them feel better.

#3 Move in, don’t move away! A whining child doesn’t want you to move in close, because that will often bring UP the feelings that they are trying to avoid.  When they are next to a parent who really loves them and is listening, those feelings can’t help but come out. But letting those feelings out is exactly what needs to happen, and when you move close to a whiner, it helps them feel safer, and often just lets them melt into a big cry or the hug that they really needed.  Listen to them while they cry or yell, staying close, but don’t overwhelm them.  Sometimes just sitting right next to them not holding them is all the help they need.

#4 Offer closeness with a clear limit. Our exasperation with the whining can often cause us to issue a really stern “NO!” that just has the child feel even more separate.  And, sometimes we have to make a limit with whining. Instead of saying “I said NO, and don’t ask again!!” try moving in close and saying gently “no, no more cookies today love,” or “I see you really want a cookie, I know…”  If you let them have a big cry or tantrum as you keep your limit, they’ll usually get rid of those big feelings and be able to move on refreshed and clear, feeling your love again.

Check out some more information on whining at the Hand in Hand Parenting website.